Coming Out

Yes, it’s your life and your choices. Yes, you have a right to live as you see fit. But coming out is not about you. It’s all about them, the people you tell. You’ve made your choices. You know your decision. The only difference now is you’ve decided to tell other people. That is why it’s paramount to think of the situation from their perspective, framed by their values.

You have to ask yourself:

“Why do I want this person to know?”

“How can I phrase this so they’ll understand?”

“What values or beliefs or misconceptions do they have that are interfering with their acceptance of my relationship style?”

I prefer a gradual approach, laying the foundation for acceptance of the idea long before the “big reveal.”  Fleshing out the contours of it, laying the support structures subtly – rather than just throwing it out there, which in my experience more often than not explodes into a fiery ball of drama.

In my own life, this amounted to discussing Sister Wives, a show about a polygamist, with my mother. Polygamy is obviously not polyamory, and my mother viewed the husband with disdain. I found a way to connect with her by agreeing that it was unfair that he got to have multiple wives but wouldn’t allow the wives to have multiple partners themselves.

And although my mother is a very jealous person (reportedly, she will cover up naked women with her hand if they crop up in the movies that she’s watching), I found myself over the following months being able to share with her about my open marriage.

Despite cultural messages to the contrary, polyamory makes sense. Once the fears and preconceived notions are stripped away, even the most monogamous people actually agree with me about it.

It’s just a matter of figuring out exactly where you agree and emphasizing that.

~ by Page on April 15, 2014.