Coming Out

Yes, it’s your life and your choices. Yes, you have a right to live as you see fit. But coming out is not about you. It’s all about them, the people you tell. You’ve made your choices. You know your decision. The only difference now is you’ve decided to tell other people. That is why it’s paramount to think of the situation from their perspective, framed by their values.

You have to ask yourself:

“Why do I want this person to know?”

“How can I phrase this so they’ll understand?”

“What values or beliefs or misconceptions do they have that are interfering with their acceptance of my relationship style?”

I prefer a gradual approach, laying the foundation for acceptance of the idea long before the “big reveal.”  Fleshing out the contours of it, laying the support structures subtly – rather than just throwing it out there, which in my experience more often than not explodes into a fiery ball of drama.

In my own life, this amounted to discussing Sister Wives, a show about a polygamist, with my mother. Polygamy is obviously not polyamory, and my mother viewed the husband with disdain. I found a way to connect with her by agreeing that it was unfair that he got to have multiple wives but wouldn’t allow the wives to have multiple partners themselves.

And although my mother is a very jealous person (reportedly, she will cover up naked women with her hand if they crop up in the movies that she’s watching), I found myself over the following months being able to share with her about my open marriage.

Despite cultural messages to the contrary, polyamory makes sense. Once the fears and preconceived notions are stripped away, even the most monogamous people actually agree with me about it.

It’s just a matter of figuring out exactly where you agree and emphasizing that.

Why am I Poly?

As a single male, I’m actually asked why I think I’m poly. After all, most people who are poly come into it from a marriage or other serious relationship. The relationship opens, and they explore from the base of this primary relationship. This situation seems to cover most of the polyamorous people I’ve met. In fact, I have yet to meet another poly, single, male.

I do have at least one relationship where I am a secondary, and not even a very serious secondary. I’ve dated a few other women since I decided I was polyamorous, but as of yet, I do not have a primary relationship. So what gives me the right to declare this? Why am I so sure? Why even call myself poly?

To answer this, we have to go into my past a little bit. I have always respected and admired the people who could give their love freely. I loved the concept of having multiple, distinct, special relationships. Letting those grow and change as they needed to. Essentially, I’ve always really been a hippie, if one wants to put it that way. The strong feelings of it first started in college. My jealousy wasn’t in control then (learned later that my anxiety wasn’t normal, and needed help), and I had one attempt where the woman I was with couldn’t seem to comprehend that I needed communication about her other relationships. She also got jealous when others had interest in me… but that is another matter.

A couple years ago, I started flirting with the idea that I was poly. I was talking about it to a lot of people, learning what I could, and seeing if it was for me. I had my last monogamous relationship about that point. It didn’t work out, and I found my way into the BDSM community shortly thereafter.

That was the breaking point for me. I was thrust into this whole subculture of people who were extremely sex-positive, very open minded, and began teaching me a lot of different things. As is my way, I observed. I observed, and I integrated all the things around me. My thoughts and feelings on poly became stronger. I had more mentors and examples of how it works best.

So, at that point, I decided I was poly. There was no need for me to have multiple relationships, and I didn’t even need a primary relationship to decide that this lifestyle was what I wanted. In fact, declaring that this is what I want will help me for when I do find some primary relationship. I won’t need the agonizing and sometimes difficult discussion and trials that an established monogamous relationship would need. I can state my desires and needs up front, and have them shape the relationship up front.

In the meantime, I am open to have wonderful relationships with women that are already poly. This can come with its own challenges, but it is rewarding.

I don’t need to defend myself. I know who I am, and what I want from relationships. I simply want to love the people that I feel love for, and to possibly be loved back in return.

Polyamory?

Polyamory (noun) –

(from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love])

The practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristics.  (from wikipedia)

–

As I explore this world and those in it, I found myself drawn more and more towards polyamory.  I never really had partners that were both into it and capable of the honesty needed for it.   Ultimately, I decided, relatively recently, that even though I was single I would declare myself polyamorous.  I have a lot of friends who are, and the support of a wonderful BDSM community with a large subset of poly partners. So far, even with a few bumps, it’s turned out wonderfully.

Why start a blog about it?  Well, a close friend and I decided that not only did we have a lot of love to give, but we had a lot of ideas and thoughts about polyamory.  There is no one way to live live or run relationships, but we want to share our ideas and experiences so that others may learn and reflect.  We’ll try our best to share our experiences and advice without being preachy, and to possibly amuse if possible.